It’s a well-established fact that I’m a big fan of Parks and Recreation, and I’ve watched this last (really good) season with a sense of impending loss. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small Midwestern town myself and recognize an uncomfortably large number of the characters as people I know, or maybe it’s Ron Swanson’s libertarian instincts that appeal to me more than I can say, even while I’m laughing at them, but either way, I already miss this show.
So here is my ode to everyone’s favorite Scotch-swilling, breakfast-loving carpenter, who taught us that “This is America. You want to live in North Korea? You can live in North Korea. I don’t want to. I want to live in America,” and once gave a landmine to a 10 year old in what he saw as an act of kindness: five recipes based on his very specific diet, which often involves bacon. They are based on past episodes, and while hardly comprehensive, they represent a veritable “meat tornado” of his favorites: 
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have… I’m worried what you just heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?”
—Ron Swanson, Indianapolis Season 3 Episode 6
Serves: 1, if it’s for Ron, 6-8 for those with less hearty appetites.
Prep time: 25 minutes to cook the bacon in the oven, 6 hours to braid the bacon into a wreath, but well worth it
Ingredients
- 2 pounds bacon
- 1 dozen eggs
- 3 tablespoons butter
- salt and pepper
Directions
- Using a thin-cut bacon, take three slices and braid them into one thicker piece of bacon.
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Do this 7 more times, until you have enough bacon to create a wreath large enough to encircle a dozen fried eggs.
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Painstakingly join sections of bacon together so they appear to be seamless, creating one long braid of bacon to be formed into a wreath on a large baking sheet. (Good luck with this.)
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Bake bacon in 450 degree oven until done, 25-30 minutes. Cook one dozen eggs (sunny side up) in melted butter in an iron skillet – just like the skillets our forefathers used.
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Slide eggs effortlessly onto a large round platter and surround with bacon wreath. Salt heavily and serve immediately with extra toast and butter.
“That’s my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I’d go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.”
-Ron Swanson, The Banquet Season 1, Episode 5
Serves: see above
Prep time: 20 minutes
Ingredients
- One pound extra-large shrimp
- ½ pound bacon
Directions
- Wrap a slice of bacon around each shrimp, and fix in place with a metal skewer.
- In a 450 degree oven, place bacon and shrimp onto a baking sheet and bake in oven about 10 minutes.
- Remove from oven and take skewers out of shrimps.
- Serve immediately as a small hors d’oeuvre.
“If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn’t want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?”
-Ron Swanson, Leslie’s House, Season 2, Episode 14
Serves: Ron Swanson
Prep time: 15 minutes, plus 15 minutes to boil eggs and another hour for them to cool in refrigerator
Ingredients
- 1 dozen eggs
- 3 tablespoons Miracle Whip mayonnaise
- salt and pepper to taste
- ½ medium white onion, grated finely
Directions
- Boil eggs for 15 minutes until they are hardened.
- Peel eggs and carefully slice eggs in half, the long way.
- Ease egg yolks out into a bowl.
- Add mayonnaise, grated onion, salt and pepper to the egg yolks, and whip with hand mixer until egg filling is smooth.
- Using a teaspoon, fill hard-boiled egg whites with the egg yolk mixture, and refrigerate for several hours.
Notes from my mother about this recipe: “Be sure to get one of those cute egg dishes with the little indentations for putting the eggs in. Otherwise they slide all over the plate and you can lose the whole batch if you trip.” And “I don’t like to put the onion in because it comes up on me.”
“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whisky and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at once because I am a free American.”
-Ron Swanson, Sweetums, Season 3, Episode 15
A T-bone steak and a Porterhouse steak are the same cuts of beef, from slightly different parts of the loin area of a cow.
Serves: Ron Swanson or an entire Little League team
Prep time: 30 minutes
Ingredients
- 1 16-ounce T-bone steak, 1 ½ inches thick
- 1 24-ounce Porterhouse steak, 1 ½ inches thick
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 4 cloves garlic for roasting
- 2 tablespoons butter
- Whiskey and cigar optional
Directions
- Set grill to “conflagration”.
- Rub steaks with garlic and pepper.
- When grill is hot, cook steaks, searing the outsides until they are black. Cook 7 minutes on each side; exteriors will be brown, but animal will have stopped mooing.
- Salt heavily. Top with large pats of butter, garnish with garlic, and serve.
“I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”
—Ron Swanson, Time Capsule, Season 3, Episode 3
Serves: Ron Swanson, or all of the Pawnee Rangers
Prep time: 30 minutes
Ingredients
- 1 dozen eggs
- 4 large pork sausages, preferably the red hot variety
- 2 tablespoons butter
- Salt and pepper to taste
Directions
- Cook sausages in a tablespoon of butter until they are nearly black on the outside and very well-done.
- In a separate iron skillet, scramble eggs in remaining butter until they are creamy and soft.
- Arrange sausages on plate, and fill serving plate with the eggs. Salt heavily and serve.
